Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
