The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
