Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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