his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
