i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
