My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit