HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You can't motorboat a personality
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
