I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
The best revenge is premature balding
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
