He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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