saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
