This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
