In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
