Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
