I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
