I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
MIDGETS
????
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
