I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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