CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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