You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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