Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
