Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
