Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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