I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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