Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
