omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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