This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
