direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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