I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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