The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
