the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
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Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
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Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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