...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
