We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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