Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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