When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
