every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
