You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
