I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
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after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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