I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
