my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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