I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
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If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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