if i can run in heels then i can drive
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
