alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.