It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.