I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything