Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You need a sexual gate keeper
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
