its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
