Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
