I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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