I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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