She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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