I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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