so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
i've created a new STD.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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