The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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