a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
