The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
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I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
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They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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