Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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