Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
